i just want you to truely care.
this thing about platonic relationships/friendships, i dont know whether to believe anymore. i always did, but seriously, maybe not anymore. i hate to think of friendship as a by-product, something which you choose to develope when a romantic relationship dont work out. i hate guys for make it too obvious that they care cos they think im potential girlfriend material. im not being fair to everyone but im too unfortunate to believe in "the world is beautiful" stories at this moment. so many people disappoint me, so many people make me feel used and manipulated. i have to admit that im so much more guarded now, especially when it comes to guys. honesty and trust always comes first in friendships for me, and some of them just dont seem trustworthy anymore. especially when sometimes i see too clearly their motives and tricks, their lies and the fanciful words which they think id fall for. maybe im too rational a girl, and i dont even bother about pulling the covers open and embarrassing them for their childishness. should i feel sorry for myself, for appearing to them as naive and maybe even gullible? or feel sorry for them that they got the definition or meaning of friendship wrong, if there is one. i can never let things and people come and go easily though others tell me to because i care too much for my own benefit. and i cant be nonchalant and pretend that im as free as i would like myself to be. as long as im in this world and there is the existence of a being who knows or cares about my presense, i cannot be free, and so im always chained to reality and its burden. if there are modes to human relationships, mine would be disillusionment right now.

and im so thankful for having wonderful girlfriends who keeps my heart intact all the time, who listen to my endless ramblings and forgive me when my actions always scream lesbianism.